Let Out Your Inner Child

My husband’s phone buzzed. It was a message from his boss, Jason. The set list for their rock school's anniversary concert was confirmed.


Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Beastie Boys’ Fight For Your Right on the roster.

My inner child screamed “That’s my song, I want to sing it!” 

Before I could think twice, I asked my husband if Jason would let me sing the song of my pre-teen years in front of 200 strangers.

“I don’t know, I’ll ask,” he smiled. 

Within minutes we got an enthusiastic yes, but then I immediately regretted it. “What the hell did you just get yourself into, Zeva?” I thought to myself. 

But I didn’t give in to that voice. Instead, I spent the next few weeks preparing my performance by shouting, jumping and nailing every bit of Brooklyn affect I had in my DNA. 

Days before the concert, I did a run-through for my husband. As I finished the song, breathless, he gently said “you know, you don’t need to overdo it?” 

Let’s just say his advice went in one ear, and out the other. 

When I got on stage wearing my custom-made Beastie Boys shirt, my heart racing, the crowd going nuts, the spotlight shining on my face and the thermostat all of the sudden on high, there was nothing holding me back. I OVERDID IT BIG TIME!

And guess what? It was one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had in my life. 

Where am I going with this,? 

In addition to wanting to share this personal triumph with you, I realized there’s more to it than I first understood:
 

1. I was a very shy girl growing up. And when Fight For Your Right came out in 1986 I was at the height of my awkward pre-teens. I was chubby, and had a curtain of 80s bangs over my forehead that served as a shield. So when the anthem from that exact period appeared on the set list, I think it was that self-conscious little girl in me that perked up. She finally felt ready be seen, and get her groove on. My performance was a rush, a release, and a reparation. I think I made her extremely proud. 
    

2. We’re often worried about having the right qualifications, or being legitimate, to say something, or try something new. But just showing up in an enthusiastic, joyful, positive, way, can be the gift that’s needed at that very moment. I made a ton of mistakes on stage, but it didn’t matter. The excitement I communicated was contagious. I even got another gig out of it! Could this be the beginning of my Beastie Boys cover band career? Stay tuned...
    

3. The day after my performance I spoke with a friend who signed up to do something she’s always dreamed of doing but was terrified to try: stand-up comedy. She said, “I challenged myself this year to do scary things that I knew I could handle, and I’ve always wanted to try stand-up.” As the words came out of her mouth, I knew she was speaking a truth much larger than her own. I think we’re living in a post-pandemic age where we've learned to discern paralysing fear (aka, we might die if we catch an airborne virus) to I-can-handle-this-kind-of-fear, fear (aka, daring ourselves to do something thrilling and new).
    

4. Tying this all together in a neat little bow, what I’m sensing is that we're craving experiences that remind us that we're alive. We want to feel new things. We want to laugh. We want to rejoice. We want to connect. We want vitality. And that might mean we need to move past our manageable fears, and come out wide-eyed and wind-swept, on the other side of it.
    

So, here’s a little challenge for you. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try that scares you, but that you know you’d have an absolute blast trying? Something that maybe your inner child craves? 

Is it singing? Writing sonnets? Tap dancing? Joining a theatre group? Going on a wild trip? Learning a new sport? 

Book a free call and let’s discuss what that inner child inside of you is curious to finally try. 

Client Profile: Clara Moley rewrites Les Règles du Jeu

When I sit down with a client we never really know where our journey is going to take us.  We define the direction and ideal outcome, strap on our seat belts, and go. Months later, our final destination is always infinitely more interesting than anything we imagined before we set out.

It's like packing the car and heading out on a road trip for the beach in Marseille, and then finding yourself on the shores of your own private island, dressed in a fabulous sarong, surrounded by your best mates in a house that's stocked with your favorite foods. 

Which is why I totally love the story of my former client and newly published author, Clara Moley.

Clara worked as a raw materials trader in Brazil for many years. During her time there, she realized that the rules of the game for getting ahead as a woman in a very male industry were heavily stacked against her. And when she tried in vain to get the support and clarity she needed from her entourage or other women in similar situations, she realized that she'd have to invent her own rules. 

Clara nurtured that idea and let it guide her into a personal and professional passion.

Even though she didn't really know where the idea would take her, she let it grow— first into a podcast series and then into Les Règles du Jeu, a riveting memoir and brilliant playbook that just hit the French bookshelves this week.

Clara's journey was filled with doubt and fear.

Exposing your ideas and your story always is,  dear friend.  But it's how you move forward despite the fear that counts the most, how you take control of your destiny by believing that what you have to say far outweighs the risk of exposing yourself to judgement or critique. 

I'm so insanely proud of Clara for conquering her fears and delivering this gorgeous and powerful book to the world.

Please enjoy this interview with her and go buy her book, which you can find in bookstores in France (en français).

Q&A with Clara Moley, author of Les Règles du Jeu: 

1. The message behind your book is very clear: school and work have completely different rules. Being a good student isn't enough in the professional world and effort isn't naturally rewarded. Especially as women, we need to rewrite the rules of the game to get what we want professionally. What experience first sealed that idea for you?
I was asked to deliver a super complicated analysis about market price evolution within a week. I worked full time on it for a whole week, did extra hours to get it right and was pretty satisfied with the results. I was supposed to deliver the results during a Monday morning meeting the following week. The day comes, the meeting goes by the usual way. I see the clock running and no sign from my boss that it's my turn to speak about the analysis. At some point he looks at the clock and goes "OK markets are about to open let's go!" I raised my hand and said, "What about the analysis?" He said there was no time and we'd just get to it the following week. I was SO mad and frustrated when I came back to my desk that I opened an email, put all the conclusions of the analysis in it, graphs, etc and sent it to ALL the traders of the company. Worldwide. About 50 people. THAT moment, that email changed everything for me because for the first time I did something I wasn't told to do. For the first time I took the initiative to do the right thing for me, without being asked or authorized, to promote my work just because I felt it was worth it. What can I do that I wasn't asked to do? That's when my mindset changed. 

2. How did you feel when you realized that you needed a new set of rules to get to where you wanted to be? 
Empowered! The moment I understood that I wasn't the problem, I just had the problem wrong, a new horizon of possibilities opened for me. I felt in charge, meaning that I was responsible for my own path. It was a big change from the passive nature of the school environment. I felt empowered because I realized how of much of the path was actually in my hands. I just needed to explore all of my options. 

3. It's one thing to come up with your own system for navigating the world, but what made you believe that others needed to hear what you knew? What belief took you to the next step of developing your ideas?
The very first step was talking with my girlfriends and realizing we were all going through similar challenges and looking for answers. Working in an all male environment certainly helped me to formulate those answers a bit more quickly. The second step was realizing that amongst everything I had read, watched, and heard about women at work, that none of that content was actually helpful in my everyday life. It was informative and inspirational, but it didn't help me transform my day-to-day struggles. This is what made me believe that there was something missing and that what I had learned in my experience could be helpful to others. I wrote what I wished I had found when I started! 

4. Your book began as a podcast series and you were able to speak directly with the listeners who followed you. What surprised you most about the reactions you got from your audience? 
I was really touched by the reactions I received because many people told me the podcast was useful. That it actually helped them navigate better, understand their environment better and know what to do when they were facing challenges. This was huge for me! It was really important that Les Règles du Jeu was not only a conversation about women at work but something that could actually make a difference. I felt really touched. 

5. When did you realize that there was more to be done with the material and that a book was a way for you to go even further and reach even more women?
For me, Les Règles du Jeu has always been the tip of the iceberg. A very concrete, "actionable" toolbox for everyday life at work. But the reasoning that led me there is much broader and I felt the content needed to be developed. More experience sharing, more anecdotes, more concrete advice for the everyday life, but also more perspective and a full reasoning that helps women adopt the right mindset at work, and an actual method to be able to act and take advantage of every situation at work.  

6. You had to overcome a lot of your own personal doubts and insecurities to get your voice and your ideas into the world. What helped you move ahead despite those fears?
The feeling to be useful and that my experience could help others get the most of their professional situations.  

7. What did you enjoy most about writing this book? What discoveries did you make about yourself and about your subject matter along the way? 
I love writing! But writing a book is so difficult! At first I thought it was like writing a very long essay. It is nothing like it! It takes so much discipline and faith in what you do. I learned how determined I was to bring that content out and how much effort I was ready to put in it. The more I dove in the subject, the more complex it felt, but also the clearer the message of the book became: start with "how." The question of equality in the workplace cannot be globally solved in a day. The causes are too complex and the inertia of a society, a company, a group is too big to see it happen quickly. However it is an urgent matter! Because our careers are happening now, today. So in order to see an actual change at our individual level in the short term, we need to forget the "whys" a little and focus on the "hows:" how can I get the most out of this situation? How can I promote my work better? How can I get more money? etc. And the book answers those "hows." 

8. Of all of the rules, which ones resonate the most for you? 
You cannot please everyone! 

9. Which rules continue to guide you and inspire you to move forward with your projects?
Les plats ne repassent pas. Seize the day!

10. What's the ONE THING that you hope people feel by reading your book? 
Legitimate to give everything they have to reach their goals, and empowered to do so.  

Override the panic button

I was in bed with an elephant on my chest. It wasn't the first time I felt that kind of pain. It had been going on for a few days. Should I tell my husband about it? Or was it all in my head? 

My father-in-law had passed away a year prior from a sudden heart attack. He had had pain in his stomach for a few days that were the early signs that something was wrong. He didn't catch them fast enough. 

Was I doing the same? Was I having a silent heart attack?

I caved in and told my husband who calmly said it was probably nothing but that I should get it checked out. 

It was cold in my doctor's office. I kept my winter coat on in the waiting room as I scrolled mindlessly on my phone. 

It was early January 2018, and I had just tipped into the second and final year of my unemployment benefits. In one year I'd be 100% on my own. 

The date loomed in my mind. "Was I making the right decision to become a coach?" "Could I survive financially?" "Would I be any good at it?" 'Should I just go back to marketing?" "Should I answer some ads on LinkedIn?" "What if this is all a big waste of time and I lose these precious months of benefits to get a full time job?"

My doctor asked what was going on. I told him about the pain in my chest and that I was a bit stressed out because I had a tipped into the final year of unemployment while I transitioned to a new career and was spending my days in cafés drinking a million coffees while I built my coaching website. 

He examined me and then said, "You're not having a heart attack. Just stop drinking so much coffee and go back to your full-time job if you don't want the stress of owning your own business. It's hard." 

And that was that! 

I listened to just half of his advice. Can you guess which half, Zeva?

I was reminded of this story this week when a client had that deep, heavy feeling in her chest the day after she announced her new business to her contacts, and was debating whether to throw in the towel and go back to her old line of work.

I think she and I both experienced the "point of no return" panic button that our brains hit when they feel us tilting into a truly new territory. As you sink deeper and deeper in love with your new path, your brain starts freaking out like an old boyfriend trying to woo you back. 

"But wait, it wasn't all that bad, right?"
"You've had some time to relax and take a break, isn't it time just go back to what you know?"
"Play it safe."
"The unknown is scary and hard. Beware!"

All it takes is a sharp-witted doctor, a worried parent or a friend with a fab new promotion, to cue your brain to strum up its favorite fear-mongering phrases. 

I'm here to say: don't let your fears lead you off your path! Listen to them, welcome them, but explore what's really going on under the surface.

What do you really need right now? 

Very often you're just looking for a concrete sign that you are moving in the right direction, and need a friendly reminder to ease off the caffeine!

Moving forward despite the fog

We were 20 minutes into our hike in the mountains and my brother-in-law was on his second lesson on how to use a compass. He was speaking to my son but I was listening in slyly to see whether I could answer any of his questions correctly. 

He described a hypothetical scenario. "What do you do when you're hiking in the mountains and you can't see past your feet because the fog is so thick."

My son said: "You stop and wait." 
Thierry answered: "That's an option, yes..."
Then I added, half jokingly: "You don't go on the hike in the first place."
Thierry laughed: "But what happens if the fog comes in unexpectedly?"
My answer: "You panic and cry!"

I can't remember what Thierry said after that and I've just sent him a text to try to find out (cliffhanger, alert!)

Why? Because my mind started racing.

Thierry's Survivor/Koh Lanta quiz was a great metaphor for what my clients experience before beginning our work together: they're in a panic because they're in a thick fog professionally and the longer they wait for the fog to clear up, the heavier, darker and scarier it seems to get.

They can't run back to the car (turning back the clock is out of the question) and they're desperate to find that crystal-clear mountain range up ahead in the distance where a picnic rock awaits their tired tush.  

So what do you do when you can't see your path clearly but you have to move forward?

Do you wait for the fog to clear?
What if it just gets thicker? 
How long do you wait?
Can you find a point somewhere, anywhere, that can help you move ahead?
Maybe its the sound of a river nearby.
Or a light source.
Or maybe if you calm down and listen to your heart, there's a North Star that you can set your compass to now?
So that you can take another step ahead.
And another. 
And another.

Just remember: the entire path doesn't have to be crystal clear for you to feel your way towards your destination. 

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Guts you don't regret

Tis the season of report cards, graduation ceremonies, and mid-year reviews. A time to appreciate the gradual yet often excruciating achievements of the year (like future tense conjugations in French).

It’s also the time when a big day shows up in my calendar. Not my birthday or wedding anniversary or my kids' birthdays. None of that. 

It’s July 6th. The day I did something so scary I literally thought my heart would explode in my chest. Even thinking about it now makes me quiver a bit. 

On July 6th, 1999, I boarded a one-way flight from NYC to Paris, leaving behind my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my four cats, my job, my apartment, and my beloved Brooklyn. 


And for no real reason.


I mean, there were reasons. But they weren’t life-or-death reasons. This wasn’t anything like the exoduses my ancestors took to save their skin generations ago. 

It was just that I had this nagging feeling in my belly, this constant, flickering sensation since childhood that I had to live in Paris. 

And I knew that if I didn’t listen to this feeling I’d get sucked into the rat race of life in NYC and regret not making a move forever. 

So I wrangled up everything I had in me and boarded that plane. The poor woman sitting to my right was so worried about my whimpering that I told her the broad strokes of my story. Reassuring her that everything, really, was ok. That I was doing something I wanted more than anything, it’s just that I was a total emotional wreck.   

I landed in Paris the next morning and calmed down the minute I spotted my friend Jessica at the arrival gate. Jessica and I went to college together and did our Junior year abroad in Paris at the same time. She wasted no time sticking around the states after graduation and came right back to Paris where she met her soon-to-be husband Charles at film school.

They were the ones that made my Paris experiment a reality. Charles lugged my giant suitcase up the four flights of stairs to their cute flat on rue Leon Blum in the 11th and they set me up on their living room coach for as long as I needed. 

Every morning I’d wake up with a view of the gorgeous building across the street and marvel at the shirtless JFK Jr look-a-like who paced around his apartment all day.  

I needed no more convincing, this was where I belonged. 

For the next few weeks Charles and Jessica took me everywhere they went. We ate charcuterie and drank pitchers of cheap red wine at the local bistrots while I noted down bizarre French idiomatic expressions in my little carnet. We went to the public pools during the heat wave. We dodged the firecrackers thrown at our feet while heading across Place de la Bastille on Bastille Day. We bought some cheap tickets to Corsica and rented a little hut on the beach and made refried beans in a shoddy casserole to save our money—for more wine! 

I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no strings on me. No obligations. No job. No apartment. And my French was a disaster.


There were definitely moments of “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?” panic.

But I was doing it any way. Taking it one day at a time with a mix of queasy fear and determination to make the most of it!

It’s been 20 years since I boarded that plane.

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And by far the most important decision of my life. 

I’m dying to know, what’s the scariest thing you’ve every done that you’re grateful for today? 

That when you think about it you say, “I’m so damn proud I had the guts to do that!” 

Just hit reply and let me know. 

Need a diploma?

I drafted my first official diploma a few weeks ago.  

I took a piece of white paper out of the closet, got out my favorite fountain pen and chose a canary yellow marker for the “official stamp” that I drew above my signature. 

I spent some time on that stamp. I really wanted it to look like foil. The kind glued to passports and birth certificates that screams THIS IS OFFICIAL BUSINESS!

No, I haven’t started a side hustle as a notary public or an administrative assistant. 

I just decided right there in my office that my client deserved an official something to move ahead despite her fears. 

You see, French culture believes in certificates. In official stamps. In procedure. 

If something comes easily, that means you’ve done it wrong, cheated your way to the top, gotten a free ride, missed an essential piece of knowledge along the way.

It’s got to be painful to be worthwhile.

And that goes for pretty much everything— from getting into a top-notch business school and opening a bank account to returning a T-shirt at Monoprix. 

The effort is the reward. Like conjoined twins. You can’t have one without the other. 

While tenacity and discipline are solid traits, holding effort to such high heights can be debilitating when you’re trying to find your groove in life. When you’re trying to connect with your inner voice. Your intuition. 

Often clients will tell me that an idea for a project or a new professional path seems too simple, too perfect, too obvious. 

How can it be worth pursuing if there isn’t a blood-sweat-and-tears drama involved? 

How can it be worth pursuing if there’s no shiny stamp to prove your qualified?

How can it be worth pursuing if the idea comes from deep within?

How can it be worth pursuing if there’s no “official” way to do it?

We often fear that others won’t think we’re deserving, that they’ll judge us, hold us to impossible standards. 

But guess what? What holds you back is not what other people say or think, but what you say and think about — yourself! 

Do you consider yourself worthy? 

Do you consider yourself qualified?

Do you consider yourself deserving?

This is where "the diploma" comes into play.

What would you do if you felt 100% worthy?

What would you do if you felt100% qualified?

What would you do if you felt 100% deserving? 

What if you've already earned that diploma? That special hall pass? That elusive degree? What happens then?

I may not know you personally, but I suspect you’ve earned the right to move forward without your fears blocking you. 

Without your inner demons holding you back. Without being worried about doing it perfectly. 

My guess is that you’ve done enough of that already and that it’s high time to try something different. 

The good news is that I’ve got plenty more ink in my pens and a full stack of paper on my desk. 

So just reach out for whatever judgement-free diploma you need. 

How to get over self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings? Part 2 of 3.

This is the second of a three-part series about limiting beliefs: how to identify them, uncover their emotional power, and ultimately transform them into thoughts that “spark joy."
Click here to read the first part.

It's 11:45am on a rainy Parisian spring day. I walk into an empty restaurant where I have plans to meet a friend for lunch an hour later. 

I tell the woman behind the counter that I’m early for lunch, but that I’d like to have a coffee and sit and work a bit before my friend arrives. 

“There’s no one in the kitchen now,” she snips. 

“That’s fine, I’m not ordering any food yet,” I say.

“How many will you be?” she asks. 

“Just two.”

She points to a table by the door and tells me that’s the only table for two that’s available. 

It’s raining and chilly outside and I ask whether I can sit somewhere further inside.

She points to another table in the back, by the toilets. 

I’m not feeling that location either. Especially since every single seat in the place is currently empty and it's just a casual, neighborhood place. 

I spot a little table for two on the cushioned couch in the center of the restaurant and ask if I can sit there. 

She rolls her eyes, let's out a huge exasperated sigh and nods “yes” reluctantly.  

I walk calmly over to the table, take off my backpack and my bright red raincoat. As I start to sit down I hear the dull thud of old coffee being banged out of the portafilter and the hissing of steam on the espresso machine. 

I turn around and say, “oh, I’d like an allongée” (an americano)  not the regular short café that I assume she’s starting to make.


She lets out another enormous sigh, so loud this time that I can feel her distain wash over my body like the Polar vortex.

My throat seizes, my heart starts racing. I want to scream and run out of there. 

In the 45 seconds that this entire scene unfolds a million thoughts have raced through my mind. 

“I hate this woman!”

“I’m going to walk out of here.”

“I’m going to leave a bad review on Yelp.”

“I should contact the owner and complain.” 

“This would never happen in America.”

“People are evil.”

The emotions that boiled up were a mix of hatred, anger, even guilt. ("How did I provoke this?")

And then I took a deep breath and thought about my last message to you about tracking self-sabotaging thoughts and feelings, which brought on a wave of new ones:

“She must be having a hard day.”

“This job clearly isn’t working out for her.”

“Interacting with humans is hard when you're miserable.”

“It’s not you Zeva, it’s her.”

“Write about this and you’ll feel better.”

I suddenly felt more calm, grounded, confident, and even grateful as I found the tools to transform this experience into something positive. 

How did that all happen? If we slow down the process frame-by-frame, like in a comic book, this is how thoughts and emotions work together. 

• We experience something 

• Our beliefs and thoughts give meaning to that experience

• We feel an emotion

• We react to our feelings

• We experience the consequences of our reactions

Ultimately our beliefs trigger emotions, which then trigger actions. 

Most beliefs are based on stories that have developed into truths over a long time. 

Sometimes those beliefs were born well before we were. They’ve been passed along like soft, hand-me-downs from one generation to another. They can go way, way back. 

When my clients use expressions that are clearly not from their generation, I take it is a cue to start digging around to the root of the belief, and the emotions that swim in its wake. 

Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett sums this process up exceptionally well in her fascinating book How Emotions Are Made.

"Everything you feel is based on prediction from your knowledge and past experience. You are truly an architect of your experience. Believing is feeling."

As architects of our experience, we can rewire our mind to create new beliefs and emotions, and turn most situations around. 

Just like my experience in the restaurant:

• Change the belief

• Alter the emotion

• Cue up a new range of options

• Chose the action that suits you best

So let’s explore the beliefs that you've jotted down since my last blogpost. If you’re in need of a few here are some that I’ve collected from some generous donors. 

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not creative enough.”

“I’ll never find my path”

“I’m too old.”

“I’m finished.”

"I'm unlovable.”

Now, let me ask you, do any of those beliefs sound familiar to you? 

What emotions do they trigger?

Are they useful emotions? 

Are they emotions that lift you up and inspire? 

Or do they make your blood boil? 

And your heart sink? 

Next steps:

Go back to your list of limiting beliefs (or start a new one), read them over and write down whatever emotions or sensations come up when you think of them.

And then ask yourself:

• What is it like to live with this belief? 

• Who might I be and what might I be able to do if I let this belief go?

I'll see you soon with some tools on how to transform your limiting beliefs into ones that spark joy and get your moving ahead with meaning, at a comfortable table with the beverage of choice in your hands :) 

PPS. Oh, and one more thing: I'm doing a vision board workshop on May 17th in Paris and have 4 spots left. Click here to snatch yours up. It's a fun and creative way to visualize your hidden goals while tackling any limiting beliefs and fears that are holding you back from going after them. 

Taboo vaccines and fear inoculations

She looked down at the screaming woman’s face and instantly felt her stomaching tightening up into a tense little knot.  

The fierce and wild expression seemed out of place with all of the softer pictures and words in her collage.

Like someone else had stuck it there by accident, or worse, glued it there intentionally to make her sick.

Over the last few weeks I’ve done four vision board workshops and spoke with dozens of women about what they see in their collages.

Each collage is made up of cut-out images and words that my clients choose quickly and then edit and arrange on their boards with care.

When the collages are all done and everyone has started talking about the lovely things they see in their boards, I shift speed and throw out a doozy of a question. 

What part of the collage makes you feel uncomfortable?

That was the question I asked that led us to “the scream.”

The question hits hard, especially since all of the other questions are as sweet and cuddly as a basket full of puppies. 

It’s my favorite question. (And no, I’m not a sadist.)

So, why do I love that question so much?

What we recoil from and find irritating, repulsive or just flat out unacceptable (mostly in others) is the proverbial “pot of goal” of personal development. 

It helps us uncover a desire or need that seems totally off-limits to us. Unauthorized. Unorthodox. Taboo. 

Watching others nonchalantly behave in that taboo way feels like nails across a chalkboard. Just plain wrong! 

But, you want what, it’s not about them, it’s about you. 

The reason that image or behavior shocks us is because we need a little bit of it in our lives. Let me explain.

Like a vaccine shot to protect us from getting deathly ill, we need a little bit of what repulses us to balance out the rest. 

What we can’t stand in others is what we’re missing (to a certain degree) in ourselves. 

Here are some examples:

Repulsion: That “pretentious snob” of a co-worker who’s loud and outspoken in meetings even though his ideas are so basic and boring.

Vaccine: Accepting imperfection. 

Next steps Don’t kill your ideas before they’ve hatched. Share them even when you’re not 100% convinced others will appreciate them. 

Repulsion: That “selfish” and “insensitive” friend who always arrives late. Always. And never apologizes for it. 

Vaccine: Living in the present. 

Next steps: What’s most important to you right now? If there were no consequences to any of your decisions, what would you decide to do?

Repulsion: That “rigid” co-worker who’s “inflexibility” and “hesitation” keeps everything stuck in standstill.   

Vaccine: Slowing down the process. 

Next steps: What would happen if you slowed down the process and embraced the journey without racing to the destination? 

You see where I’m going with this?

Now let’s get back to that screaming face in the first sentence of this post. What did my client find so repulsive about it? 

As a new entrepreneur starting out in the wellness business, it was a reminder of how scared she is about speaking publicly about her new profession and how terrified she is that she’ll never get over her insecurities.

What she realized during the workshop was that the scream symbolizes brazenness, intensity, determination. The exact qualities, in vaccine-size-doses, that she needs to develop in order to live off of what she loves. 

It boils down to identifying (and accepting), rather than reacting to and recoiling from what makes us uncomfortable, like the dragons in this famous Rainer Maria Rilke quote:

“How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races—the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

Where does this mean for you?

• Next time you have a strong reaction/repulsion to someone’s behavior, move beyond the “EEK” feeling and try and see what bothers you so much. 

• What has this person allowed themselves to do/be that offends you so much ?

• When you peel back the onion, what permission in its purest form is at the root of their behavior (honesty, spontaneity, self-love )?

• What vaccine-size-dose of that permission could you inject yourself with?

• What one thing could you try differently now that you’ve been inoculated?

Keep me posted on what you uncover, and if you want to go further and tackle some more of taboos, reach out and book a call with me.

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Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

When Ideas Get Under Your Skin

I had a very intimidating social studies teacher in High School named Mr Savage. 

He would walk into the classroom, silently go up to the blackboard, scribble a provocative open question, like “What is democracy?” in his chicken-scratch handwriting and then stare back at the class with his beady little eyes. (can you tell how much of a fan I was??)

He’d smile slyly with pinched lips revealing a little scar alongside his mouth. Then he’d gesture to the class to let the debate begin. 

I dreaded that moment. I was a shy and insecure adolescent and that kind of intellectual dogfighting made me shrink even further into my shell. 

Mr Savage didn’t give homework, but he did assign two big writing projects per year that were famously tough. For one project we had to propose our ideal presidential candidate and then argue and defend why we thought he or she should win.

Feeling totally overwhelmed, I asked my dad for help. He’s a school teacher and a very opinionated liberal. This kind of thing was totally his cup of tea.  

He suggested Ralph Nader. This was back in 1990 and Nader at the time was a relative unknown. It seemed like a cool, underground pick. I let me dad run with it. 

My dad wound up writing most of the paper. I was nervous handing in the assignment and felt a bit guilty about getting a great grade on something I didn’t write on my own. Then I was thrown a curveball: I got a really shitty, grade on that paper. Or rather, my dad got a really shitty grade. 

And what was the message that stuck with me after this experience? Not, “cheating is bad”, or “Ralph Nadar is a terrible presidential candidate,” or “failing with your own ideas is better than failing with someone else’s”. 

No, the one that stuck for me was:

You’re a terrible writer, Zeva. Your dad thought so, that’s why he wrote your paper.  

I lived with this belief for a long time. In college, writing assignments were torturous. I’d spend double the time as my peers on my papers. I was ashamed every time I handed something in. Even when I got positive feedback on my work I was convinced that someone was just being generous and feeling pity for me. 

The belief penetrated under my skin and became my ugly little secret:  I was a terrible writer and a fraud for getting into my school. 

Five years after graduation I moved to Paris and went on an interview at a magazine where a friend of mine had worked. Rebecca, the editor-in-chief of the magazine who interviewed me asked if I had any writing experience. I said “not outside of the writing I did in college.” She answered back,  “well, you seem smart, and if you got through Vassar I’m sure you can write.” 

She hired me on the spot. 

I was thrilled to get a job, but terrified that my ugly little secret would slowly reveal its disgusting face and she’d realize that I was a total fraud. 

But it was my job. I had no other choice. I had to write. And I started to get better and better at it. 

Over time, I got some extra freelance jobs. People started to pay me well for my words. 

I was slowly and steadily growing into the person that I was convinced I was not. A writer! Go figure. 

Where am I going with this?

I speak to a lot of people who feel like they’re not credible or capable of doing something because long ago they had a bad experience, or were told that they weren’t great at it. 

Over time, those feelings grow into beliefs and get more massive, dense and resilient until they become as real and unquestionable as the nose on your face.  

How does this happen? 

“Ideas get under your skin, simply by sticking around for long enough”  explains the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett in her book (that I’m obsessed with), How Emotions Are Made.  “Once an idea is hard-wired, you might not be in a position to easily reject it.”

Some of these hard-wired, unshakeable beliefs could be:

I’m bad at writing 

I’m bad at relationship

I’m bad with numbers

I’m bad at business

I’m bad with conflict

I’m bad at confrontation

I’m bad at making decisions

I’m bad at making changes

I’m bad at being bad….

There is nothing concrete about these beliefs. They’re just dirty little secrets that prevent us from taking action on what we want. From seizing opportunities to igniting change. 

What dirty little secret prevents you from moving forward with meaning?

I promise, I won’t tell :)