"Don't Get Great At The Thing You Don't Want To Be"

It was an annual summer visit back home and my High School Brooklyn buddy Paul and I were catching up. 

At the time, I was working at Yelp. I had a prestigious position and the perks to go with it: great salary, business trips, stock options, a supportive boss and inspiring team. 

I was explaining my work situation to Paul when I started to feel my stomach tense up. Even with the dirty vodka martini and upstate small town tavern vibe, the conversation was tilting into 360-degree performance review territory. 

“It’s all going well," I explained, taking a nervous sip of my cocktail. "But when I'm honest with myself I’m not sure how much longer I want to do this. What’s scary is that I think I’m in line for a "keys-to-the-castle" promotion that I won’t be able to refuse, but ultimately don’t want.” 

Then Paul said something that made me put down my glass and break into a small sweat. “Don’t get great at the thing you don’t want to be.” 

Since he uttered that phrase it's been ingrained in my soul. It hit a nerve, and gave language to what I was hiding from everyone, including myself. 

By going above and beyond, by being hyper invested, by feeling like I was the best-qualified heir to the throne, I was pretending not to feel stuck in the golden prison of my "perfect" job.

Do you know what that feels like,? A lot of the women I’ve speak with about my coaching program, do.

They’ve become so good at masking their doubts by overachieving at their job, surpassing every one else’s expectations, that feeling stuck has starting to feel, well, normal.  

When they ask me, "Doesn’t everyone feel stuck?” My response is “No, you’ve just gotten used to feeling that way.”

If that sounds like you,  I highly encourage you to reach out for a free discovery call to discuss how my coaching program can help you:

• Feel aligned with what you’re doing

• Feel stimulated and in flow again

• Take concrete steps to bring that feeling back into your life

Neuroscience Nuggets #1: Vanilla Yogurt Victory

Since the third lockdown ended in France last month it feels like the hose has come off the hydrant. All of my pending projects are suddenly “on! “and coming at me full blast. 

I’m not complaining, I’m excited about them all, especially the neuroscience for coaches certificate program that I’m taking at  The Neuroscience School

This program is quite literally BLOWING. MY. MIND.

I’m dying to spill everything I’ve learned so far out on this page but I’ll start with this seminal nugget:

Neuroplastic changes within our brains translate into concrete behavioral changes in our daily decisions and actions. And it goes both ways. The more you practice and perpetuate certain behaviors, the deeper and faster the grooves in the brain become to support them.

As a coach, my job is to help my clients define and achieve their goals. And the gold standard to see if the brain has re-organized itself to achieve those goals is to look at how our behaviors have changed over a period of time.

Which takes me to the victory of vanilla yogurt.

Around mid-way through my coaching program with my clients I do a recap session to inventory every single thing that has changed or shifted in my client’s life since we began together.

Every item counts. Even the smallest, seemingly-random thing is relevant. Like a change of haircut. A new musical obsession. A shift in diet. 

These may seem insignificant when viewed on their own, but when you connect their dots together you can start to see some emerging themes appear—evidence that the neural pathways are starting to shift and strengthen inside the brain. 

Recently when taking inventory with one of my clients she told me she had started eating vanilla yogurt after a two-decade ban on that yummy yummy.

As a child, vanilla yogurt was her jam. She adored it. But as she grew older she told herself that eating it didn’t fit the rational, cerebral, mature habits associated with the serious adult she needed to become personally and professionally. 

Vanilla yogurt was the embodiment of a certain playfulness and joy she believed didn’t have its place in adulthood.  

She would still buy it at the supermarket and offer it to her four kids for dessert, but she would never think of eating it herself. That’s just not what adults do. 

But as our discussions around the value of playfulness, humor and joy in her life unfolded, her relationship to the yogurt changed too. And she allowed herself to eat a small pot of vanilla yogurt whenever she felt like it. 

For my client, the yogurt is much more than fragranced, sweetened, bacterially-fermented milk: it’s proof of a perceptual and behavioral shift towards creating and celebrating small, simple pleasures in life. 

It’s about assigning value to joy. 

And making space for it daily. 

Not in a six months or a year, but right now. 

In addition to the vanilla yogurt, she’s also buying bouquets of flowers at the market each week for no specific occasion, she’s starting to sculpt again, she’s dancing with her kids, she’s cracking more jokes at the dinner table.

And all of these changes are training her brain to find even bigger ways to bring joy into her life, as well as her career. 

What vanilla yogurt behavior changes are brining you closer to your goals?