Taboo vaccines and fear inoculations

She looked down at the screaming woman’s face and instantly felt her stomaching tightening up into a tense little knot.  

The fierce and wild expression seemed out of place with all of the softer pictures and words in her collage.

Like someone else had stuck it there by accident, or worse, glued it there intentionally to make her sick.

Over the last few weeks I’ve done four vision board workshops and spoke with dozens of women about what they see in their collages.

Each collage is made up of cut-out images and words that my clients choose quickly and then edit and arrange on their boards with care.

When the collages are all done and everyone has started talking about the lovely things they see in their boards, I shift speed and throw out a doozy of a question. 

What part of the collage makes you feel uncomfortable?

That was the question I asked that led us to “the scream.”

The question hits hard, especially since all of the other questions are as sweet and cuddly as a basket full of puppies. 

It’s my favorite question. (And no, I’m not a sadist.)

So, why do I love that question so much?

What we recoil from and find irritating, repulsive or just flat out unacceptable (mostly in others) is the proverbial “pot of goal” of personal development. 

It helps us uncover a desire or need that seems totally off-limits to us. Unauthorized. Unorthodox. Taboo. 

Watching others nonchalantly behave in that taboo way feels like nails across a chalkboard. Just plain wrong! 

But, you want what, it’s not about them, it’s about you. 

The reason that image or behavior shocks us is because we need a little bit of it in our lives. Let me explain.

Like a vaccine shot to protect us from getting deathly ill, we need a little bit of what repulses us to balance out the rest. 

What we can’t stand in others is what we’re missing (to a certain degree) in ourselves. 

Here are some examples:

Repulsion: That “pretentious snob” of a co-worker who’s loud and outspoken in meetings even though his ideas are so basic and boring.

Vaccine: Accepting imperfection. 

Next steps Don’t kill your ideas before they’ve hatched. Share them even when you’re not 100% convinced others will appreciate them. 

Repulsion: That “selfish” and “insensitive” friend who always arrives late. Always. And never apologizes for it. 

Vaccine: Living in the present. 

Next steps: What’s most important to you right now? If there were no consequences to any of your decisions, what would you decide to do?

Repulsion: That “rigid” co-worker who’s “inflexibility” and “hesitation” keeps everything stuck in standstill.   

Vaccine: Slowing down the process. 

Next steps: What would happen if you slowed down the process and embraced the journey without racing to the destination? 

You see where I’m going with this?

Now let’s get back to that screaming face in the first sentence of this post. What did my client find so repulsive about it? 

As a new entrepreneur starting out in the wellness business, it was a reminder of how scared she is about speaking publicly about her new profession and how terrified she is that she’ll never get over her insecurities.

What she realized during the workshop was that the scream symbolizes brazenness, intensity, determination. The exact qualities, in vaccine-size-doses, that she needs to develop in order to live off of what she loves. 

It boils down to identifying (and accepting), rather than reacting to and recoiling from what makes us uncomfortable, like the dragons in this famous Rainer Maria Rilke quote:

“How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races—the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

Where does this mean for you?

• Next time you have a strong reaction/repulsion to someone’s behavior, move beyond the “EEK” feeling and try and see what bothers you so much. 

• What has this person allowed themselves to do/be that offends you so much ?

• When you peel back the onion, what permission in its purest form is at the root of their behavior (honesty, spontaneity, self-love )?

• What vaccine-size-dose of that permission could you inject yourself with?

• What one thing could you try differently now that you’ve been inoculated?

Keep me posted on what you uncover, and if you want to go further and tackle some more of taboos, reach out and book a call with me.

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Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

Anne-Sophie Roquette finds her "pelote de laine" at L'Atelier13

“Pelote de laine”

It means “ball of yarn” in French.

And it's crazy how often my clients use that expression in our sessions. 

Not because they’re knitters, or obsessed with sweaters, or particularly manual. 

But because unraveling their web of fears and desires feels a lot like untangling a jumbled ball of yarn. 

You know what I mean, right? When you're searching desperately for that little thread at the beginning of the spool so that those tight intersections can start opening up and letting loose?

And when your fingers finally it everything starts to settled down —your shoulders relax, your eyes soften, your breath calms down. The relief and satisfaction is huge. At last, you can start getting on with your stuff!

I'm fascinated by the “pelote de laine” stories of everyday women who figure out how to loosen up their tangled web of interests and doubts and confidently put their ideas into action. 

That's why I’d love to introduce you to Anne-Sophie Roquette, founder of the French fashion and accessories brand L’Atelier13, who found her career calling by listening to what her fingers were telling her as they worked through a real “pelote de laine.” 

Read my interview below with this super inspiring women who went from corporate life to entrepreneurialism while raising three small kids below.

*On Friday January 25, 2019, I’ll be giving vision board workshop at Anne-Sophie’s showroom as part of her Inspirants community events for her clients. Click here to reserve your spot.

Anne-Sophie Roquette at her L’Atelier 13 Showroom

What inspired you to start making your own accessories considering the amount of work you already had going on (career, kids, etc)?

It all started while I had my young daughters. Being stuck at home for long nap hours and early nights, I had to get busy with something, and I found out that manual activities were a great satisfaction to me. It gave me the happy feeling of using my time with something productive. 

How did you find the time to devote to that passion?

I really wonder now how I did find the time. I guess when something becomes your priority (for sanity or for pleasure), you always find the time! My days were really packed but I had that urge to make them even more, which, now that I think about it, and at the time where I try to take things and life slower, seems crazy to me. 

I believe that I was in this age where being productive and making the most of every minute was the most important to me. I would never sop. As soon as the kids were in bed, I would work on a project. At the park watching the kids ? In the subway ? I started knitting before I was even sitting. Conference calling with lawyers ? A knitting project in my hands. I was doing something all the time. That's hilarious when you think about it !

When did you know that it was the right time to switch full-time into your new career? 

It came as a conjonction of different moments. I never thought I would switch. I loved my job, and was fully aware of the ups and downs of launching a business, especially in the quite crowded fashion industry. So it took a while before I even envisioned it, at least a year. 

By then, that little project had been flourishing and meeting some success, and at the same time I wanted to have my third child and some time to take care of her, and on top of it, the company I was working for was growing too much, evolving into something that I no longer felt connected to. I had turned 37 and felt it was now or never. So I allowed myself a two year break to have that baby and cherish every moment of her first years, and concentrate on working on my project. It's been 4 years now, and I don't regret any of it!

What fears or doubts did you have to overcome? 

The main fear is that you leave something that you know and enjoy, for the unknown, the uncertainty, the unpredictability. That was my biggest concern. But once you realize that, if you want to go back to that job, two years from now, you'll still have that same back ground and experience, and be able to interview and find another job, everything seems much easier. I always decided to think that if things were going to turn bad, I would always be able to find a job. That's a great security.

Behind the clothes, the bags, the shoes — what does your brand represent to you?

My brand is really a concentration of what I like most in the way that I envision work. It embodies my values :

Work: Work with people that you are happy to work with, that you get to choose, whether they are interns or suppliers that you care for, that you help grow and help you grow. 

Perseverance: Being an entrepreneur is not an piece of cake. Some days are harder than others. But I strongly believe that if you keep your vision in mind, no matter what path your days are following, you will end up achieving your goals.

Fulfillment and Happiness: I think you do things much better when you're happy to do them, preferably under the least pressure possible.

Balance: My business could develop faster, probably, but my life is full of many things, and I choose to devote some time for them all: my kids and their projects, my yoga practice, my husband and our well being as a couple (which involves spending time together, but also cooking good food ;-))

What do you want you clients to feel or experience in your creations?

I want them to feel comfortable and sexy, different but with a sense of belonging. I want them to dress in the morning and accessorize with no headache and always feel good no matter where they are, at school with the kids, at work, at a cocktail that same night. 

What made you decide to launch the Inspirations series of workshops for your clients?

I noticed that most of my clients have the same aspirations and hopes as I do. Thinking about the way to balance our busy lives, find moments of joy and well-being, discover new things, in order to improve, become better moms, professionals, wives, friends... The community behind L'ATELIER 13 is eager to share and discover, know better, feel better, and I thought that a good way to serve that community was to bring that kind of value. I'm driven by what I feel like doing, and learning, and I really hope that it could interest more women, so I was very enthusiastic about bringing that value through my brand. 

What piece in your collection means the most to you?

Probably the first one, the Cosi Bag, as it really launched the project. I came up with the design as I was sewing a dress. The top of that dress made me think of a bag, and I decided to test it out and found out that it was a very convenient one, and yet stylish. That I could make it with the fabrics I wanted and therefore really design it to match my style. 

It was the bag that I could fold in my purse, and use when I stopped after work for grocery shopping. It was the bag that I could use to carry my kids stuff, no matter how many pieces there were to be carried (sweaters, scarves, gloves, hats, snacks...), that I could wash if necessary, in a word, my daily companion.

I started to make some for people who asked, and I believe I sew nearly a hundred, at night and on week-end, before I thought it could be smart to find a workshop that could help me out. This is how the venture started!

If you’d like to meet Anne-Sophie in person come join us on Friday, January 25th 2019 at her showroom where I’ll be giving a vision board workshop as part of her Inspirants evens series for her community . Click here to purchase your spot.

Tools in Your Pockets

Pockets. They’re designed to keep useful tools close by. Against the body. Like a second skin. So that when you need to jot something down. Remember a task. Fix something. Hold something for later. You don’t have to scramble around like a basket case trying to find it. 

Or rely on someone else for help. 

In short: they help you be better at being you.

Up until the French revolution women had large pockets tucked under their voluminous skirts that were large enough to hold books, mending materials, writing devices, and even lunch. 

But as fashion became more streamlined, women’s pockets moved off the body and into handbags — more distant, easier to misplace, or have stolen.

Making essential tools harder to find and more difficult to access in need. 

“Pockets speak to this question of preparedness, and your ability to move in public and to be confident. It’s really difficult to get around if you don’t have what you need...” says Hannah Carlson, a lecturer at the Rhode Island School of Design who was interviewed about the politics of pockets in the awesome podcast, Articles of Interest.

So I guess you're wondering what pockets have do you with coaching?

Well, I’ve been thinking recently about the tools we need to move ahead with our projects. 

Women often think they need to have everything mastered, integrated and assimilated into every fiber of their body in order to be legitimate, comfortable and prepared. 

Maybe it has to do with the diminishing size of pockets over time and the growing sense that men are better equipped for the challenges of the world than we are. 

Who knows.

But what interests me is this question:  What tools do you need to get you where you want to go with confidence and ease?

And when I say "tools" I'm not talking about hammers and nails and mending materials, in fact your tools don't have to be objects at all!

A client of mine recently described an "immaterial toolkit" that she created to collect “things” she knows are good for her as she journeys forward. 

• Friendships where she can be vulnerable and real

• Rituals that bring her immense joy

• Experiences that spark curiosity and enable growth

• Mindsets that are benevolent and constructive

They’re all tucked away in her toolkit — safe, cosy and close. Carefully selected for the precious vitality they bring her. 

Once you know where you’re going, the next step is to choose the tools you need to help you get there. Venturing out ill-equipped just sets you up for pain and a whole lotta trouble.

You wouldn't head into the forest for an overnight in the wild without a compass, a sleeping bag, and some coffee for the morning after, right? That would be bonkers. 

So tell me, what tools do you want to put in your pockets to get you where you want to go? 

And here’s some more great reading about the politics of pockets

Introducing the wonderful world of Chez Cameil and the woman who built it

Following your gut. Listening to your dreams. Building your fantasy business. It’s wayyyy easier said than done.

You could be the most creative and focused person on the planet but when self-doubt, fear and insecurity pop up those dreams will scatter away to some safe little corner of your mind, or deep down on a to-do list that you’re sure to forget. 

That’s why I’m totally fascinated by people who find the clarity and confidence to follow through with their dreams, even when it scares the hell out of them…

Which is why I’d love to introduce to my friend Cameil Kaundart.

I met Cameil years ago while I was working for Yelp. She was running around the kitchen with a floral headscarf and a couple of trays of American cookies, testing recipes weeks before the launch of my friend Marc’s cafe, Bob’s Bake Shop. She greeted me with such an insanely warm vibe that I loved her immediately. 

Fast forward to today.

I’m officially the luckiest coach in Paris because I get to see Cameil (and her cookies) three days a week at the cozy new space she launched this Fall. Located in central Paris, Chez Cameil is a cheerful, colorful loft where people come for healthy food, yoga classes, lectures, events and other well-being services, like coaching and hypnosis. It’s where I see my clients three days a week and I absolutely love it!

But Chez Cameil was lodged in Cameil’s head for years as a “maybe-one-day-I’ll-finally-get-it-together-to-make-this-happen” kind of dream. 

I had Cameil on the phone this summer the day she had to tell the landlord whether she was going to take the space. It was not a light decision to make for loads of reasons that I’m sure you can relate to (self doubt, money, and the huge responsibility that come with following through) but on top of that she was also just separating from her French husband and reconstructing her identity as a single American on French soil. 

I so, so admire her for finding the clarity and courage to just go for it! So I’d thought I’d share her story with a little Q&A with her below about how she made it all happened. Hope you find Cameil as inspiring and fascinating as I do!

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Q&A with Chez Cameil Founder Cameil Kaundart

What exactly is Chez Cameil for you and what do you want people to experience here?

Chez Cameil is a manifestation of my dream to create a community where all people feel welcome to take care of their well-being, practice yoga, celebrate healthy food, share their ideas, emotions and desires.

My goal is to create a family atmosphere, where people can gather and feel ‘at home’, where they can take the time to rest, refresh their minds and grow in an open and collaborative space.

Chez Cameil was a dream of yours for some time. How did you know that this was the right time to go for it? 

You know that feeling when something you want scares you, but you just know you have to go for it? It’s the moment you’ve been asking the universe for, putting all that hard work into mentally, spiritually and physically and now it’s right here in front of you. I had that moment and I took it.

I’d been working on the idea of Chez Cameil for a good five years, and it wasn’t until just last year that I finally narrowed it down to the version it is today, many thanks go to my good friend Gwen. She really helped me turn my idea from one giant cloud to a nice streamlined lighten bolt. 

I was working away on the business plan when my husband and I decided to separate. I was then not only looking for a space for Chez Cameil, but also looking for a new home. 

I’ve always been good at working, being focused on a goal and doing whatever it takes to get it done, but in that moment I realized my work was all I had. I had lost my couple and now only had myself and my work, so I went into extreme Cameil mode. Those of you who know me may be laughing, thinking she is always in crazy organized Cameil mode. Lol 

Knowing that I was on my own again after eight years of sharing my life with someone put me into survival mode and I spent all my time looking for a space and developing Chez Cameil as if my life depended on it.  Let's face it, life is easier when you are two and have the support of family or a partner. I live far from my family. 

So, in one month I started a crowdfunder with KissKissbankbank that eventually raised 10,000€. They kept telling me that no one ever raises that much money. I would not take no for an answer and insisted that I could do it, and did!  

I felt like life was testing me, so I decided to turn all the sadness, anger and confusion I had into fuel to finally do what I had been wanting to do for sometime.

It was my moment of rebirth and I am forever grateful for it. My now ex-husband has been a great support and we remain friends, but sadly it took us separating for me to be pushed into that moment of fear and then overcome it and turn it into something beautiful that I can now be proud of.

Many people struggle to find a professional path that brings them joy and is in total sync with who they are, their values and natural skills. How did you figure that out?

Through a mix of trials and gut feelings. 

I was an English major, working at a café as a Barista in Seattle where I would occasionally bake cute goodies.  The owner insisted that I go to culinary school and bought me all the tools and books I needed to sign up, so I kind of had to.

After signing up and dropping my English major, I decided I should at least work in a kitchen first before paying all that money on schooling. So I went around asking all the top restaurants in Seattle if I could work for free for a week to see if I liked this as a profession.

After a long list of rejections, a wonderful restaurant accepted my funny offer. I loved it, and them me. I stayed there for five years working my way up from the bottom cookie scooper to cake decorator to pastry chef. Thanks Dhalia Lounge! I’ve been cooking every sense. 

However, I am no longer a pastry chef.  I feel I tell a lot of people this but Ill tell you too: We need to be evolving constantly. “The only constant in life is change,” says Albert Einstein.

I am not the same chef I was 10 years ago nor the same person I was a year ago, so why should my job be the same? All the years of life experience I have created for myself have shaped me into this person I am now. I feel like I have been simply, by trial and error, taking what I like from each experience I have had in my life to create a synergy that aligns with my work.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It takes quitting jobs, taking big risks, self-confidence, and a good support system, being selfish at times and failing and trying again. 

I was once told I was like the film “Yes Man,” because you could offer me any job and I was always up for the challenge.  I was never scared to trust myself, I knew I could learn something from this experience and apply it to the next.  So over the past 10 years I have been doing just that. 

You talk a lot about listening to your intuition and knowing when something feels right. How do you connect with those sensations? 

I spent a lot of time building a better relationship with myself over the past years and asking myself the right questions. What scares me about being single again? Where do I want to be in a year? What’s important to me?  Asking these kinds of questions and really sitting with myself until I find the answers. Using meditation and journaling have been very helpful tools for me.  When I feel my intuition is clouded I often retreat to an Ashram or a quiet place to be alone for as long as I can be with my thoughts to work it out. 

Also, since I was a little girl, I’ve had very visual dreams and I’ve always looked to them for answers in my day-to-day life. 

Two dreams in particular have changed my life. 

In my early 20’s I died in a dream, but died really enjoying this weird bouncing bridge in the middle of a big beautiful lake surrounded by trees and woke up fearless and decided to leave Seattle and travel around South East Asia for four months. And it was not until four years ago that I realized the true meaning of the dream, but that’s a whole other story for another time. 

The second, a few short months later, it’s my first week of my trip in South East Asia and I get very sick in Bangkok. I had a dream that I was on a train in the middle of grey rainy French winter. There was no sign saying I was in France or flags, but I just new I was in France and I remember, in my dream, getting off the train in the crummy weather and feeling the happiest I had every felt. 

So the next morning I went to a travel agency and bought a ticket to Paris France.  I spent the next four months traveling all over South East Asia and planning what I would do in France as I did not speak French, then went to Seattle, sold all of my things, came to France where I worked on a farm for three months learning to make cheese, then hitch hiked around the south of France, moved into the oldest all women’s squat in Berlin, decided I wanted to stay longer in Europe, so started to look for work as a chef and ended up finding a job as a nanny in Marseille for a lovely family who I am still dear friends with now, moved to Paris with them, fell in love and the rest is history all thanks to literally following a couple dreams. 

They say the answers to all our questions are inside we just need to be quiet and listen. 

What do you do when you experience fear or doubt as you develop your dream business?

I use Mantra repetition or Japa as we call it in Yoga. This has saved me so many times. I also have a wonderful group of friends, that I who knows where I would be without their ears to listen to all my crazy ideas and fears, also I am a firm believer in long baths.

I remember very clearly on my last trip of the yachting season this September, taking a brake on the beach between services and having a small freak-out about all the things I needed to do to get Chez Cameil up and running. So I closed my eyes did a mini Savasana/Corpse pose (similar to mediation only lying down on the back) and started repeating a mantra. I honestly do not remember what I had chosen, it could have been something simple, like Intuition, relax or strength. I kept repeating it to myself then did a fifteen minute silent Savasana and after my thoughts were clear and I was able to prioritize the huge list of things I needed to do and felt ready to start tackling them and crossing them off one by one. 

Negative self-talk will kill you. I try to focus on the positive, make a plan, write it down and never be scared to ask for help.  

What’s on the horizon?

I am always working on a bunch of projects as I love creating things, bringing people together and sharing. We have lots of wonderful workshops, book clubs, cooking classes, Yoga retreats and weekends coming to Chez Cameil with all the new collaborators and myself. Then on the side, I am also helping two lovely young gentlemen from Marseille open a Vegan Burger restaurant, there is a possible cookbook in the future with my dear friend Marc and maybe even joining a rock band.  I am excited to watch the evolution of Chez Cameil and myself over the next year.  So much of has changed just in the past six months and I am feeling truly loved, blessed and ready for whatever comes next. 

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I have the enormous honor of seeing my clients at Chez Cameil. If you’d like to learn more about my services click the button below.

Creepy Stroller Stage Prop

The red-headed drag queen with the never-ending legs, gold glitter eyeshadow and pointy stilettos kept appearing on stage with a khaki-colored baby stroller from the 50s. 

Just like that creepy Rosemary’s Baby stroller with the devil’s baby inside. 

What the hell was that stroller doing there all of the time? 

Were the songs all about babies? Collateral from previous relationships? Reflections on responsibility and independence? The pursuit of liberty? Growth and transformation?

I had no clue.

All of the songs performed that night were by an old-school French composer named Jean-Jacques Goldman that none of us American expats in my entourage had ever heard of. (side note: a friend chose the campy drag show as a fun offbeat activity for a birthday celebration, and it was a BLAST!). 

When the stroller appeared on stage for the third time, my friend Ajiri leaned over and whispered the exact question that was running through my mind for the last 45 minutes: “What’s the deal with the stroller?”

Then I looked carefully and realized that the stroller wasn’t just a bizarre prop, but a makeshift stand for the drag queen’s song lyrics. That’s why she was always singing to the stroller!

I shared my discovery with Ajiri and we both agreed how freaking brilliant that was, and here’s why:

1. Evaluate & focus on the essentials, even if it means making some adjustments:
   Since the performances at Madame Arthur change each week, the drag queens only have a few days to learn their songs. (next week: Barbra Streisand). That means they either have to sweat their sweet cheeks off all week memorizing those boring lyrics or come up with another way to put on a great show. My  guess is that they have better things to do between shows and feel like the stroller/lyric stand is a fabulous and cryptic work around for saving their precious time.
   

2. Don’t let memorizing lyrics hold you back from being a diva onstage (aka process over perfection):
   One of the amazing things about working with constraints is how it forces you to get creative. We think we have to master everything, be an expert, reach that perfect (unattainable) place, that we never try anything for fear of failing and looking like a fool! But what’s so amazing about recognizing your limits is that you can get creative with what is in your control, and surprise yourself and others and bring a whole lot a joy to the process but just saying, “This is where I am now and this is what I’ve got. Enjoy!”
   

3. Perfection is boring. Share your eccentricities and imperfections to inspire and empower.
   By doing/being who you are (limits, strollers and all) instead of waiting for the magic wand to make you perfect, you’ll create a ripple effect around you that inspires others to let their hair down and loosen up a bit. You can role model anything you want, including authenticity. And guess what. People see it and love it. Myself included. I’m now inspired to find my creepy stroller prop for my next scary challenge: getting on stage and singing at an open mic jam at a rock school performance with my husband (he’s a rock teacher for kids and adults and has convinced me that this will be fun!). I’m freaking out but also really want to do it. 
   

So what do you think my creepy stroller prop should be?

And more importantly, what creepy stroller prop do you need to create to try that thing out that you think you’re not ready for?

Clarity through charity

Charities and not-for-profit associations haven’t really been my thing. 

I was reminded of that rude reality two years ago while being interviewed for my naturalization papers in France. 

When asked if I volunteered with any associations, I stunned myself with how quickly I blurted out “No!”

Back in High School I was a much better person. I took the bus down with friends to Washington D.C to march in defense of animal rights. And spent months going into Manhattan with my BFF Helen to get people to sign up and donate to the AIDS walk we did together. 

But as an adult, aside from some sporadic GoFundMe or Doctors Without Borders donations, my charitable acts have been pretty slim. 

Lack of time, lack of motivation, call it what you want, but I never really found the energy or mission. 

While I was getting my coaching certification, though, I did a lot of thinking about why I chose this path and who I ultimately wanted to serve. I knew I wanted to coach women. Women who were looking to bring more meaning to their work. 

But how could I bring more meaning to my work? 

I started researching organizations that were doing great stuff for communities I cared about, and then challenged myself to take one concrete step towards contributing to that cause. 

That’s what lead me to apply to become a volunteer mentor with Led By Her. 

Founded five years ago by Chiara Condi, Led by Her is an association that helps women victims of violence rebuild their lives, and their identities, through entrepreneurialism. 

I waited six months to find out if I’d made the cut. And when I got the news this Fall that I was selected to join the mentorship community I was thrilled and totally honored! 
 

Meeting Chiara, the Led By Her volunteer community, the students in this year’s program and my fabulous mentoree has stirred something inside of me that I’ve neglected for so long.


The fabulous feeling of being part of a cause that you care about deeply. 

Many of my clients come to me because they feel out of synch with their careers, like their values are heading in one way and their reality is veering in the opposite direction. 

As each day goes by they feel like they’re drifting farther and farther away from the person they want to be and the person they are expected to be professionally. 

As those poles moves gradually in opposite directions, the feel like they’re literally going to snap. But they have no idea how to bridge that gap and bring those two worlds into alignement.

One way to crack that conundrum is to give your brain a break and feel your way to some answers.

If this resonates with you a super easy way to start is by asking yourself: 

“To make a positive impact on others through my work, I’d love to…”

Your answers might surprise you. And be easier than you think. 

Whether it’s a small internal shift within your current role. Sharing your time and expertise with a charity. Or infusing more meaning into the business you already run. 

Your answers might lead you to some additional questions that help shed light on what you’re next move could be.

Give it a try and let me know what you discover. 

Using Your Full Frame

Adults are amazing at respecting limits that don’t really exist. 

And kids are amazing at disrespecting limits that do really exist. 

Cries, tantrums, arguments, flattery, debate, negotiation. There’s no shame to their game. 

They’ll use whatever they’ve got to see how a limit can be toppled, overturned and redesigned. 

As we get older, though, and move along in life we adapt to the limits that the world throws back at us. 

Conditioning, rules, beliefs — all of these boundaries become a part of the way we perceive the world and operate within it. 

But as our habits and expectations become more and more entrenched, we start seeing limits where they don’t exist, eventually boxing ourselves into tighter and tighter spaces. 

The truth, though, is that what’s not explicitly forbidden, is technically allowed. 

Until you prove you can’t do it, then you technically can. 

There are a zillion ways that you can play around with this logic:

• If you don’t ask for the raise, then how do you know if you can have one?

• If you don’t ask for an extension, then how do you know if the timeframe is flexible?

• If you don’t ask for feedback, then how do you know what people are thinking?

• If you don’t empower your team, then how do you know what they’re capable of?

• If you don’t start, then how do you know if you can continue?

In day-to-day conversation this comes out as: 

“Oh no, I just couldn’t ask her to recommend me for that position.”

“No one would ever want to read the stuff that I write.”

“I could never earn money selling my artwork.”

“There’s no way in hell that my boss would let me take the afternoons off on Wednesday.” 

During my discovery calls with clients I ask a question that tends to stir the pot:

“What have you already put in place to move your goal forward? 

There’s always a long pause on the other line, and then a voice that starts to list concrete actions that have been tested, or, at times, a voice that says "nothing yet."  

Those answers help you see just how far you've stretched your frame to get what you want, and where you've encountered external or internal friction along the way. 

Why is this important as a first step in moving a goal forward? 

We can become so fixated on what we’re incapable of doing, or why something wouldn’t work out, that we forget to take a stab at it. 

We feel boxed in by boundaries that haven’t been really been tested.

So tell me, if you could throw a tantrum to get what you want:

• What would that be?
   

• How is that important to you?
   

• And what limits do you need to test to get it?

When Ideas Get Under Your Skin

I had a very intimidating social studies teacher in High School named Mr Savage. 

He would walk into the classroom, silently go up to the blackboard, scribble a provocative open question, like “What is democracy?” in his chicken-scratch handwriting and then stare back at the class with his beady little eyes. (can you tell how much of a fan I was??)

He’d smile slyly with pinched lips revealing a little scar alongside his mouth. Then he’d gesture to the class to let the debate begin. 

I dreaded that moment. I was a shy and insecure adolescent and that kind of intellectual dogfighting made me shrink even further into my shell. 

Mr Savage didn’t give homework, but he did assign two big writing projects per year that were famously tough. For one project we had to propose our ideal presidential candidate and then argue and defend why we thought he or she should win.

Feeling totally overwhelmed, I asked my dad for help. He’s a school teacher and a very opinionated liberal. This kind of thing was totally his cup of tea.  

He suggested Ralph Nader. This was back in 1990 and Nader at the time was a relative unknown. It seemed like a cool, underground pick. I let me dad run with it. 

My dad wound up writing most of the paper. I was nervous handing in the assignment and felt a bit guilty about getting a great grade on something I didn’t write on my own. Then I was thrown a curveball: I got a really shitty, grade on that paper. Or rather, my dad got a really shitty grade. 

And what was the message that stuck with me after this experience? Not, “cheating is bad”, or “Ralph Nadar is a terrible presidential candidate,” or “failing with your own ideas is better than failing with someone else’s”. 

No, the one that stuck for me was:

You’re a terrible writer, Zeva. Your dad thought so, that’s why he wrote your paper.  

I lived with this belief for a long time. In college, writing assignments were torturous. I’d spend double the time as my peers on my papers. I was ashamed every time I handed something in. Even when I got positive feedback on my work I was convinced that someone was just being generous and feeling pity for me. 

The belief penetrated under my skin and became my ugly little secret:  I was a terrible writer and a fraud for getting into my school. 

Five years after graduation I moved to Paris and went on an interview at a magazine where a friend of mine had worked. Rebecca, the editor-in-chief of the magazine who interviewed me asked if I had any writing experience. I said “not outside of the writing I did in college.” She answered back,  “well, you seem smart, and if you got through Vassar I’m sure you can write.” 

She hired me on the spot. 

I was thrilled to get a job, but terrified that my ugly little secret would slowly reveal its disgusting face and she’d realize that I was a total fraud. 

But it was my job. I had no other choice. I had to write. And I started to get better and better at it. 

Over time, I got some extra freelance jobs. People started to pay me well for my words. 

I was slowly and steadily growing into the person that I was convinced I was not. A writer! Go figure. 

Where am I going with this?

I speak to a lot of people who feel like they’re not credible or capable of doing something because long ago they had a bad experience, or were told that they weren’t great at it. 

Over time, those feelings grow into beliefs and get more massive, dense and resilient until they become as real and unquestionable as the nose on your face.  

How does this happen? 

“Ideas get under your skin, simply by sticking around for long enough”  explains the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett in her book (that I’m obsessed with), How Emotions Are Made.  “Once an idea is hard-wired, you might not be in a position to easily reject it.”

Some of these hard-wired, unshakeable beliefs could be:

I’m bad at writing 

I’m bad at relationship

I’m bad with numbers

I’m bad at business

I’m bad with conflict

I’m bad at confrontation

I’m bad at making decisions

I’m bad at making changes

I’m bad at being bad….

There is nothing concrete about these beliefs. They’re just dirty little secrets that prevent us from taking action on what we want. From seizing opportunities to igniting change. 

What dirty little secret prevents you from moving forward with meaning?

I promise, I won’t tell :) 

Get into your growth groove

It was the official rentrée, the first chaotic day of reality after a long summer break. 

We were walking among perfectly-coiffed kids with their new backpacks and outfits on their way to school when I glanced over and saw my toddler hobbling along with his heels hovering in the air. 

“Shit!” I said to my husband. “We forgot to get him new shoes.”

My son was so obsessed with his red suede Adidas we conveniently overlooked him busting out of them. 

Next day at the shoe store, we embarrassing learned he had grown, not one, but two shoe sizes! Needless to say when he put his new sneakers (Adidas, again!) he was reborn.

Ripping his beloved pacifier out of his mouth big-boy style, he started running — down the ailes, down the street, to the park, around the park. Tirelessly, enthusiastically, like he had a new set of Duracell batteries on full blast.  

It was a total and immediate energy upgrade. 

As a kid, things like new shoes are empowering evidence of your growth. Your potential. Your energy. Your strength. 

But what happens as an adult? When the changes in your body no longer signal empowering growth? What other signs define it?

Since la rentrée kicked off there’s been a common theme among the people I’ve met with. 

Growth. And the desire for more of it day-to-day. 

As a coach, when I hear someone talk about big concepts like "growth" my next move is to dig in and investigate just what it means: 

• How do you know when you’re growing? 

• What do you need to grow?

• What does it look like? 

• What does it feel like?

• What does it allow you to do?

To one woman I spoke with it means working transversally across different formats and departments and having the freedom to innovate and bring value in her own unique way.

To another it means transforming theoretical concepts into tangible actions and making a concrete impact in the word.

To another it means going super deep and developing her skills and proficiency in a specific field. 

Here’s what’s important to remember about the growth groove: it’s not a one-size-fits all concept. 

It means something different to us all. 

But it is a mindset that needs nurturing if you want to feel alive. 

Without growth, you wind up feeling dullness, stagnation, inaction, sluggishness. 

The very feelings that make you want to curl up and call in sick for a few days, or even a few weeks. 

In France insurance companies and the government are freaking the hell out. Since the beginning of 2018 there’s been a 6% increase in medical leave payments. 

The cause? No one can say for sure, but the government thinks employees are feeling more and more stressed out and crappy at work and they want companies to do something to fix that (or start paying the bills).  

Growth isn’t a blanket panacea. I'm not suggesting that it's the end-all solution to a suffering system. 

But I do believe that companies should spend more time observing and asking questions about the type of growth that each employee craves. 

It’s likely not what they think it means to their employees (moving up the ladder, getting more vacation time, or a bigger salary). It could be a lot simpler than that. 

My suggestion?

If you’re a manager and are struggling with team burn-out: 
Get to know the growth needs of each person on your team. Spend quality time on this. Look for concrete examples. Observe trends. In what context does your employee thrive? When do they limp around like a toddler in tight shoes? 

If you are thinking about making a professional change because you’re not growing:
Get crystal clear on what growth means, looks and feels like to you in your quest for self-realization. 

So tell me dear reader, what’s your new pair of Adidas like? How do they look? What do they feel like? And what do they allow you to do?  Leave a comment below or send an email to: zeva@zevabellel.com